I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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