Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
