Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
