pop tarts are not kleenex
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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