I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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