I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
