He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
