no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
