my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
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All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
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i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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