I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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