My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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