My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
