worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
