Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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