So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
