Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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