This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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