Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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