Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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