We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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