smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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