I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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