ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
