I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
