I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
even my farts smell like vagina
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
