i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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