Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
