I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
