Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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