I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
