Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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