I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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