I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We're using joints as your birthday candles
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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