Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We had to coat check the pizza.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
