I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
