i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
