I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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