booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
