Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
