My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
