Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
