I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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