recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
