I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
