I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
