If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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