I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
