i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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