I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
