Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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