You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
