I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
