I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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