I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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