True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
