Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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