I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
