i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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