remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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