she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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