i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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