I just saw a hot homeless man
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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