I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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